When I was growing up, my dad was the ultimate authority in our house. My strong willed nature did not question him when he laid down the law. But you see, Dad intuitively knew a parenting technique that is critical for dealing with the strong willed child. If he said "Cindy! Sit down. Now?" I just sat. I didn't question or argue. I knew my dad wouldn't talk to me like that unless it was essential that I obey. If he had talked to me like that all the time, I would have tuned him out and not done anything he asked. Parents take note: If you use the same angry tone of voice for everything ("You get upstairs to bed!" "You eat the rest of that dinner!" "You get dressed right now!"), you'll soon find your strong willed child's arguing with you about everything.

It's difficult to maintain a positive and loving relationship with your strong willed child (SWC) if the two of you are constantly battling for control. Parents often find themselves raising their voices and losing their tempers. Before they realize it, most of the communication between them and their SWC consists of harsh words and angry directives. If this is the case in your home, you can change the pattern. In order to avoid a confrontation when you want your child to obey you, ask yourself these important questions: Is it worth it? Is this battle worth fighting? Will this improve the quality of our relationship?

Learning to Pick Your Battles

In our home there are certain nonnegotiable issues: (1) physical safety e.g., we don't walk in front of moving cars or ride without seat belts, and (2) moral and spiritual values, e.g., we don't lie or hurt others. Beyond those, we try to let our SWC negotiate to a certain extent.

One cold winter morning when my son Michael was only four, he started to walk out the door without his sweater. Because I know how an SWC's mind works, I offered him an option:

"Mike, do you want to wear your red sweater or your blue sweater?" Quick as a flash, he turned to me and replied, "I don't want to wear a sweater." I had to fight my natural response, which was to tell him he certainly was going to wear a sweater and he had better decide which one or I was going to decide for him. But I knew I couldn't make him wear anything. Would this battle be worth ruining our morning together?

Swallowing my frustration, I asked him another question. "Mike, what do you want to wear to keep warm?" He paused for a moment and shrugged before he replied. "I want to wear Daddy's sweater," he stated matter-of-factly. Again I fought my desire to tell him that was totally absurd and to put on his own sweater. I asked Daddy if Mike could wear one of his sweaters, and he agreed. My four-year-old SWC was almost lost inside of it. He looked ridiculous, and I wanted to attach a sign to his back that stated, "My mother didn't dress me!" Instead, I tucked one of Mike's sweaters under my arm and we went on with our day. It took less than fifteen minutes for Mike to grow weary of struggling with the oversize sweater. Resisting the urge to say, "I told you so," I casually asked him if he would like to have his own sweater on instead of Daddy's. Without hesitating, he nodded, took off the bulky garment, and put on his own. Just like that. No big deal.

Is the Battle Worth the Losses?

Next time you want your SWC to do something (and you want to avoid a power struggle), first decide whether the battle is worth it. The process won't be easy, and it may take a lot of practice before you and your SWC can distinguish negotiable issues from nonnegotiable ones. But the effort can make a tremendous difference in your relationship.

A few years ago, I spoke to a group of parents at a conservative private school. Afterward, one mother waited quite awhile for her turn to talk to me. She was agitated and upset.

"Listen," she said, "I have a strong-willed daughter. I admit I have been very strict, and I am at times inflexible. But I've kept my thumb on my daughter, and she knows who's boss around our house." She paused and pointed to the doorway of the gymnasium. Standing there was a sullen, angry-looking twelve-year-old, smacking her gum and impatiently tapping her foot. Her mom turned back to me, and her eyes brimmed with tears.

"That's my daughter. She hates me. She'd sell me down the river for a nickel. Do you have anything that would get her to love me again?"

Here was a mom who had demanded unquestioned obedience, who had ruled with an iron hand. Had she forced her daughter to obey? Yes, to a certain extent. But this mother did not realize until that day what price she had paid for her daughter's compliance. Her adolescent girl couldn't wait to leave home, couldn't wait to turn from everything her mother held dear. Their relationship was broken. Was that kind of obedience worth it?

Never Give Up!

Some of you reading this may have lost the drive and energy it takes to start over and restore a good relationship with your SWC. What can you do if you have lost the will to go on? What if the whole situation simply seems too overwhelming? I don't believe parents of SWCs can cultivate and maintain these often fragile relationships on our own. We have too many limitations and too much pride and stubbornness within ourselves to deal with a defiant or rebellious child.

Over the many years that I have been an SWC, have raised an SWC, and have worked with parents of SWCs, I have seen only one effective solution for rebuilding and recovering relationships that are so far gone: God, who created us in the first place, can restore love and renew the desire to keep our relationships strong and healthy. On our own, we humans simply don't have the resources to maintain the energy to deal with the daily challenges of loving and living with the SWC.

If you feel that you have exhausted your options—if you have had it—and you don't see any way to rebuild your relationship with your SWC, let me offer you the best hope I have found, bar none. Trust the wisdom of the God who created your SWC in the first place. Pray for guidance and wisdom and, most of all, the desire to love your child unconditionally. It takes more strength than you have, but God has an abundant store of mercy and grace, and it is when we reach the end of our own resources that He can do His best. Don't despair if things don't change immediately. Keep praying, and keep working on your attitude. Don't give up! With God's help you can do this!

Adapted from You Can't Make Me. Copyright © 1999 by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. Used by permission of WaterBrook Press, Colorado Springs, CO. All Rights Reserved.

<Reference : Family Life>