Question: Sometimes when I serve dinner, my child complains about what I’ve fixed or refuses to eat. Should I force him to eat food he doesn’t like? How should I handle it?

Barbara: We experienced this many times with our children. We didn’t have a hard and fast rule, and we adapted our strategies over the years.

Sometimes I would say, “I know you don’t like it, but I’d like you to eat one bite. Then you don’t have to eat any more.” A parent may not feel comfortable with that, but it won’t hurt a child to skip a meal and be a little extra hungry for breakfast.

Occasionally, when children refused to eat, we saved the food and put it before them at the next meal. We wouldn’t allow them to eat anything until they ate the refused food. Other times we wouldn’t allow the child to have dessert unless he finished the food before him.

Because we have a large family, I couldn’t cater to everyone’s little whims and fancies. If a child complained, I would not fix him something else or allow him to scavenge in the kitchen. I didn’t want to allow that child to see himself as the center of the world. I didn’t want to let him have whatever he wanted.

Dennis: I agree with Barbara. If we allow children to complain, they will. If we feed their complaining by responding apologetically, they will complain again. They have to learn that life is full of limitations. I think that is a part of teaching discipline, developing character, and setting boundaries in their lives. They have to learn that griping when Mom has worked hard is unacceptable. Mom is not a short order cook.

Barbara: It is a part of learning submission to authority as well. If we allow children to get what they want when they want it, then they begin to see that they have control over Mom and Dad. The child needs to learn to submit to the parent.

Dennis: I’ll never forget the stunned look on one of our kid’s faces when the plate was removed from in front of her one evening after she complained. I think it brought that little will under control because she realized that wrong choices really do have consequences.

I also remember when we dealt with toddlers rejecting the strained foods and the chopped foods we fed them. They would spit out the food or even push it off the high chair tray onto the floor. Then they would look at us, almost defiantly, to see how we would respond.

Barbara: We let the toddler know that his behavior was unacceptable and we would not tolerate it. First, he would get a warning: “No, you may not do that.” Then, we would tell him that if it happened again he would get a spanking.

Dennis: Some people might be shocked that we would spank for this disobedience, but it would be only after we had clearly drawn the battle line and said, “This is something you shall not do.” Discipline was not done in anger. It was always done with love and affirmation, letting the child know he was acting inappropriately.

After the child was spanked and then hugged, he was put back in the high chair and given food again. If he immediately disobeyed again, I did not hesitate to discipline again. Strong-willed toddlers are going to test you in those early years of life, and if you lose the battle of wills there, I think you will really pay the price when they are teenagers.

Barbara: I think the bottom line is that you need to know your child. If you have a child with a very strong will, you may need to force the issue. You need to help your child learn submission to authority, and this may be an avenue to do it. But you have to be wise. If you've been involved in a number of other battles that day, you may not want to force this issue that night.

Question: Our son is not allowed to eat snacks for two hours prior to dinner, but when he sits down to eat he says he's not hungry. We excuse him from dinner, but one or two hours later he says he's now hungry. Should we save his dinner and give it to him then?

Barbara: We answered a question about children who complain about food, but that doesn't seem to be the problem here. It seems to me that this child needs to learn to eat when the meal is placed before him.

Dennis: I think the key here is to know your child. Some kids just don't demand a lot of food. But other kids will use this as a means of trying to control you. That's where I'd draw a line in the sand and clarify expectations.

Tell him he has 30 minutes to finish his meal, and what will happen to the food after that. You can go a couple of routes: You can put the food in the refrigerator and tell the child that he can have the food for breakfast the next morning. Or you can tell him that this is the last food he will be offered that evening. That means sending him to bed hungry if necessary. He won't starve.

Now I know there are some people who would say, "That's really cruel—you're harming that poor child." But as a parent you need to teach your child that he will face limits in his life. He needs to eat his food at dinnertime, and not have the rest of the family revolve around him and his whims.

Sometimes I think we forget how kids use this type of thing to manipulate their parents and their siblings. Children are selfish creatures. I think setting limitations is a very important step in raising your child toward maturity. You either win the battle now, or you really pay the price when he becomes an adolescent.

<Reference : Family Life>